A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
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I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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