I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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