I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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