You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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