At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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