just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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