I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize