even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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