meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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