Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize