While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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