Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize