hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
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can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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