Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
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he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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