I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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