I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize