Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize