The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize