capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
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Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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