They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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