peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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