I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
this will be a night to untag.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize