I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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