John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Even my vagina gasped.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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