saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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