she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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