I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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