this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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