and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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