I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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