Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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