Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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