How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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