She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
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I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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