Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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