she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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