If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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