i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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