You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize