I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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