Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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