afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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