If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize