I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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