you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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