Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You've changed since you got that strap on
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