i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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