Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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