i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I am available for nakedness
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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