So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
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dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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