i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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